An awesome day.

I had an awesome day today. I'm serious. It was good. It started off not so great because I didn't want to get up this morning due to lack of sleep (I hate insomnia! My coworker says i sleep till 9 at night and thats why i don't sleep thru the night. not true. I don't sleep because i have too much energy. it makes it extremely difficult to wind down.) The morning was really slow. However, when lunch rolled around, things got really good. I was able to get it together and do my tasks. Then, at around 3, the fun began. I went to walmart and looked around. I then went to target and met up with one of my best friends. Her name is Kaylan. Even though she and i have our differences, we are able to agree to disagree and share our beliefs with each other. We even have some of the same tastes. It's pretty amazing how God puts people like that in our lives to teach us how to do just that and to challenge us in the faith huh?

Anyways, we went out for coffee at the starbucks in target. It was amazing because i got to know her a little bit better. She's a lot like me, except she believes some things that i don't believe, which gives me chances to minister to her. We talked about things like being pro-choice and how our country is so greedy. it was pretty interesting.

We also went window shopping at GW. She bought lots of shoes. I swear, this girl is a shoe whore. She loves rocker clothes like i do.

All in all, it was a really fun day.

It was a fun day because i got to chill with a friend and just be my crazy, insane, paranoid self.

Thank you Jesus, for giving me this day. Help me to feel the same way about tomorrow.

Learning the hard way.

You know, for the most part i love learning. Why? because it stimulates ur brain and keeps u from losing brain cells. It prevents alzheimer's. Learning enables you to acquire new skills and learn how to use them in ways that benefit yourself and others. It helps you to get in touch with what you do best and what you absolutely suck at.

However, I just learned something today. What did I learn? I learned that I hate learning the hard way. Why? Because it hurts. It freakin hurts. It sucks. It sucks so much that it is the epitome of suckish.

Why? Learning the hard way hurts because you make mistakes that can usually (most of the time!) easily be avoided if u just listen to others or think twice before you act. Learning the hard way hurts because more often than not, you make mistakes that have consequences that affect how you feel for the rest of your life. Those consequences scar you and make you miserable. Learning the hard way hurts because you make mistakes that you regret and wish you go back and do over. These mistakes affect your social life nine times out of ten. These mistakes usually screw others over and these mistakes usually screw you over most of the time. Learning the hard way also hurts because you make mistakes that make you want to KICK yourself repeatedly and mentally curse yourself out because they create mistakes that you regret and irreversible consequences that you have to live with day in and day out.

I have come to realize these things because lately, I have been learning a lot of lessons the hard way. i have made choices i really regret. I have made mistakes that have screwed others over and screwed myself over.

I say this because i lost a really close relationship with a friend of mine in june because of how i acted. I was a negative, pessimistic ***** that would not listen to anyone. She tried to help me, but all I did was push her away. All i did was act like a know-it-all, which did nothing but alienate her from me. She won't answer my phone calls. She never responds to me on facebook anymore, because she blocked me on there.

Because of how I acted, i lost a close relationship that really mattered to me. I lost a friend that has known me forever. She's seen me grow up. She knows me better than i know her, which is really sad because I'll never be able to fix that and get to know her better. Because of this, i will miss having her in my life because she was ALWAYS there for me when i needed a friend or needed someone to lean on.

Because of this, i will have to live with missing her like crazy for the rest of my life. I will have to live with not ever being able to make it right.

However, you can bet that i will not make this mistake again. Why? Because i am done with learning the hard way. I am done with making mistakes that can easily be avoided just by thinking twice before you act and by listening to those that have ur best interest at heart. I am done with screwing myself over. I am done with having a messed up social life. I am done with making choices and mistakes i regret. I am finished with being miserable. I am sick of scarring myself and making choices that have irreversible negative consequences that I have to live with day in and day out.

Happy Birthday Grandma!

Happy Birthday Grandma Pat! You are such a blessing in my life. You understand me a lot more than most people in my life. You are so awesome to have around! I wish I could see you more often. It sucks that you live 4 hours away. Because of that, I rarely ever see you.

I hope you day was good. It was nice talking to you on the phone today, even though we didn't get to talk long. It was great hearing what is going on in your life and it was great that you cared to listen me telling you what is going on in mine. I would have called you, but i did not get a break at work today after I called you.

I hope you got lots of blessings in your day, whether they were material or non-material. I hope you got some time to yourself on your special day. I'm glad you got to experience another year on this earth. Man, this life, even though it sucks sometimes, can be filled with great times and can be a gift. As a matter of fact, it is such a gift and know that upon saying, i think of you as a gift that life has given and I hope God gives me more opportunities to spend more time with you.

Thank you.

God bless you.

I wish you the best in the time to come in your next year.

I hope to see you soon.

Another sleepless night...grrr

Grrrrrrr............It seems like me and me sleepless nights are becoming the best of friends. No seriously. No duh. Why? because i can't sleep tonight AGAIN. hmmmmmm.....this time there is a reason for it.

The reason for it this time is because I was a little bit late getting home tonight and my mom was not very happy about it. I understand that. I respect that. I'm verrrry sorry that it happened and it WON'T happen again. I mean, yes, she and my Dad both have a right to be a little upset, because it was my first time going out after 4 pm and because i was driving out a little further than usual for the first time. and I was supposed to be home around 8 - 30 - 8:45. Instead of leaving at 8 like i should have, I didnt leave until around 8: 30. There is a reason for that. It is all my fault.

Why is it all my fault? Because i did'nt have my cell phone on where i could hear it ringing or have it on me because i was swimming. My fault. I take full responsibility. I should have not gone swimming. Then i would have heard those phone calls and i would have been home sooner.

Thus, I feel lead to say this:

Dear God, thank you for this Day. Thank you for the fact that you are you and only you can be you. Thank you for sending your son Jesus to die for me. Thank you for everything you have done for me, including the things i don't deserve and the things i do deserve. Thank you for your mercy, that which you have lavished on me.

Thank you for my parents. Thank you for helping them to love me, especially when I am not the loveable person they have known me to be. Thank you for giving the ability to trust you with my driving and letting me drive out to the Peterson's condo tonight. Thank you for letting them be in my life, even though i don't want them in my life at all sometimes.

Please help me to fall asleep tonight, even though i have some anxiety on me right now, because of the fact that i was later getting home tonight than I should have been. Please if it is your will, get my parents to let me drive to work tomorrow and to the Cloud's house tomorrow night. Help me to be satisfied with the outcome, regardless of what the outcome turns out to be. Help me to feel rested when i wake up so tomorrow at work so I can be a light for you at work tomorrow to Jason and my family. They need you right now, as I am pretty sure Jason is not a christian and I am pretty sure that my parents are searching right now for answers, stability, comfort and truth, because they are nervous about me going away to school next semester.

Please help me to forgive anyone who has hurt me today and help anyone i have hurt to forgive me at some point.

thank you,

Amen.

Early Mornings and Sleeping In

Let me remind you that I am not a morning person. Let me remind you that I love sleeping in.

Why? because right now, i prefer sleeping to do a lot of things. I like it because it keeps me from facing my life and a lot of the issues/problems in it.

why? Because this song describes how i feel about a lot of things and pretty much describes how i have been feeling lately.

However, even though no one really reads this blog and/or makes the effort to keep up with me or my life, i am going to share this song anyway, because i feel God leading me to share this.

So here goes:

I've been sleeping in for days
Cause when I am awake
I will have to face my life
And I'm hoping it's a phase
The walls that I create
Can only make it seem alright
And I get carried away like I'm the only one
Who's ever felt the way that I do
But I can hear you say,
"You're not the only one.
Everybody hopes to get through."
And it's got me sleeping in.
Every day God,
it's the same thing.
Yeah, you caught me sleeping in.
I'm still hiding;
I'm still waiting.
I need you here with me to face the world outside
'Cause I'm tired of sleeping in.

I've been waking up with fear,
'Cause all that I can hear
Is the ringing of alarms downtown.
It's been going on for years
But you have made it clear
That I am not alone in this crowd.

And I get carried away like I'm the only one
Who's ever felt the way that I do,
But I can hear you say,
"You're not the only one.
Everybody hopes to get through."
And it's got me sleeping in.
Every day God, it's the same thing.
Yeah, you caught me sleeping in.
I'm still hiding; I'm still waiting.
I need you here with me to face the world outside
'Cause I'm tired of sleeping in.

Open up my eyes.
I'm tired of sleeping in
In a world that's dying to wake up.
I'm done with sleeping in.

Lord, help me to quit feeling this way. Not only does it suck, but its extremely selfish of me to want to sleep in today, because my coworker's baby is sick today and i need to to work. Help me to stay focused and alert today. Help me not to go insane at work today, even though we both know that is going to be extremely hard, since I work with my parents. Help me to be nice to customers, because when they are happy, everyone, including my parents and me, are happy. Help me not to cuss today. Help me to live in a way that takes people's eyes off of me and points to you.

Amen.

Too Much Parental Control = Insanity

I have officially had it. I cannot take it anymore. If they try to control me, me and my car, and who i hang out with anymore, I think I will go clinically insane.

Why? Because i have been controlled for my whole entire life practically. I was homeschooled (I now kick myself for not going to school like a normal teenager) My parents up until now for, (for the most part) have contolled my education and for the most part, who i hang out with because of my lack their off being able to drive.

Now, they are controlling me even more that i have a car, props to them (which is not a bad thing!) The tell me when I can drive, and if i can drive there or not. They also want to know who i am going with if I am going there.

Now, so not to make my parents sounds like the bad guys, this is not a bad thing, because they are doing because of the fact that they want to protect me. However, they need to trust God with this, instead of taking matters into their own hands. Why? Because they can't shelter me from everything forever. Eventually they will have to let go of me and let me go out into the world, trusting God with me. They will have to let go of me at some point........and let god. They will also have to let me live my own life, because i am about to be an adult making adult sized decisions, including living on my own.

Because of this, I have reached on conclusion. This is aggravating....I can't wait to go away.......to graceville because hopefully i will not be dealing with this anymore, and hopefully i will get to live my own life in which i make my own decisions.

Wow...........long time no post. 3 years..............in one page

Wow.............so I haven't posted on this site in 3 years! I can hardly believe that. Thats a darnnnnnnnnn long time. but then again. I have been pretty busy these past three years. Busy how? some people might say. Well I have been pretty busy for a while. I have a lot to talk about. I think here would be a great place to talk about it, so here goes.



For the past three years of my life things have been CRAZY. Annoying parents. Annoying brother. Annoying Insane parents. Annoying insane brother. AWESOME friends. Terrible friends. Meeting new friends. Catching up with old ones. Youth group. Church Camp every summer for the most part. Going to college. (GO TCC EAGLES!!!!!!!!) Being homeschooled. (I somewhat regret that!) Dating. Church every wednesday night. Praise Band. Open mic. Drama at church. Writing Music. Playing Guitar. Singing. Boyfriends. Girl Friends. First job, which means first annoying set of co workers, supervisors, bosses, and customers. Piano. Piano lessons. Guitar lessons. the list could go on and onnnn..



time spent with boyfriends. times spent with friends. times spent in class.....going to class. going home from class. going to church. youth trips. Times spent doing stupid things with friends. Time spent doing stupid things with boyfriends. things that i probably should not have done. Friday nights spent doing TCC idol. Days spent at open mics. you get the picture. I was pretty busy.

No time for blogging anywhereeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Yow...that suckssssssss. I wish i could have blogged more though, because i won't really be able to remember much of my life back then.

Not that i want to remember all of it anyway. Why? Because it was good up until I was 16. Everyhing was good. I had great friends. I had great parents. I had an awesome brother. I had a good youth group. The second i started TCC everything started to change. Slowly, but big time change.

I was out in the world. just starting to go out into the world. I was meeting new people. I was making new friends. I was meeting new guys. I was meeting up with different guys. Not long after I started TCC (Fall 2007) I started to fade out of my relationship with God. My relationship with my parents went on the down hill after that. My relationship with my brother (even though that relationship was already going down) went to hell in a handbasket. Everything I was, the good christian girl i was known to be, started to fade away, slowly. I'll explain more of this in another post.

However, you the reader, might be wondering why the crap I am writing this. Why do I even care about my life back then.

Well, if I had cared more about my life back then, thought about the choices i was going to make and was making at the time, i probably would not be where I am now, full of regret and shame. I would probably be doing a lot better in my relationships, particularly my dating relationships. and in my family relationships. I would not have the bad rep I have now. I would be respected, instead of hated, avoided like the plague, less confused, and would probably have more friends.

The main reason I am writing this is so that you the reader can learn from my stupid mistakes, before you make those mistakes. Now I am not saying you won't mess up after reading this entry. Chances, are you most likely will. I want you to be able to (especially if you are a young teenage girl that is 13 or 14) live your teen years without making stupid mistakes that you will regret later. However, since I am too tired too write anymore right now, I am just going to end this blog right here and get some much needed sleeppppp.

But before I go, know this.

if you are a young teenage girl thiat is reading this. Listen hard and listen now.

Boys are not worth it.

No boy is worthi crying over. The ones that are DON"T make you cry.

Don't believe everything people tell you. Investigate it first.

If you are a christian, put God first in every decision you make....Keep him first in your life. Don't go places that christians would not go to, like parties with alcohol and drugs.

If you are a christian, don't judge others. It will make your christian witness look awful and make your friends want to avoid the church at all costs.

Consider what you parents have to say whenever they talk to you. Chances are some of it is complete crap and some of it is actually worth listening to. It could help you. There are some instances when i wish i would have listened to my parents instead of being an insane teenager that did not listen to them.

Try to maintain an even relationship with your family. Try your best not to keep secrets from them If anything ruins a relationship, usually its lying and keeping secrets from the other person. Don't let stuff like this ruin your relationships with your family. Its not worth it.

That being said goodnight and goodbye. Have a great day tommorrow. Sleep well.